Hello. I know it's been awhile (a LONG while). So much has happened! I still have to post about the wedding and our first year of marriage and so many other things. I promise I will....soon. But first. I've had something on my mind that I feel I need to write about. I have no idea who will actually read this, but I tell ya, writing helps me, so here we go.
I have struggled with the relationship with my mom my entire life. I think every daughter has some kind of difficulties with their mother...I'm pretty sure it was designed that way. Now before I get into it I do have to say this: I love my mom. I really do. I am who I am today because of her. She taught me how to be independent, hard working and self sufficient. I am not writing this to harp on her. I know she did the best she could. But...something with her has never been right. I know she has her own set of issues in life. I have never felt truly loved and accepted by my mom. I have to constantly walk on eggshells around her and be constantly criticized. Nothing I ever do is good enough. No matter what I do or say, it's never enough. She made comments about my weight as an adolescent, told me I would never be a professional dancer but yet had these unrealistic expectations about who I was supposed to be. I would get yelled at constantly for the littlest things. Her and my Dad would fight all the time. I would cry in my bed by myself wishing that I could transport myself to another family where maybe I could be loved and accepted for exactly who I am (little imperfect me). I tried SO hard in my life to please her. But obviously it never worked. As a teen I was very withdrawn. I couldn't ever express myself because I was afraid of the wrath of my mother. I couldn't ever stand up to her. It was a never ending cycle. I was always belittled and made to feel stupid and unworthy of anything. She decided that the night before my wedding was the perfect time to tell me that I've completely let her down in so many ways. When I moved out at 18 I had a LOT of soul searching to do. I had to figure out who I was and what I was going to become. I spent YEARS in therapy trying to undo the emotional damage caused by my mother. Sadly I'm STILL trying to. It's hard yo. To my saving grace, I had the church. I had amazing and wonderful friends. I had teachers and professors and people that believed in ME! They thought I was great and beautiful and they told me I could achieve any dream I set my mind to! It was really hard for me to believe them (it still is), but I am trying. I stayed close to the Lord and to people that loved and accepted me. When I met my husband my life changed for the better. He saw me for me and loved me for me. His family embraced me...I have never felt so much love in my life before! How lucky was I to find such a great family to now be apart of! I am so thankful to the Lord for bringing Richard into my life. "I have been changed, For Good"
Recent events have brought these feelings back into my thoughts. Generally these blow ups are over stupid drama that I can never understand. But the hard part is, it brings up 28 years of crud every time! I am not sure how I will move forward or what the relationship is going to be with my mom, but I will try and be the best daughter God wants me to be. That is all I can do. I am extremely grateful for my wonderful Father and siblings as well as my extended family (Aunts and Uncles), without them, I wouldn't be the strong woman I am today!
To be honest, this last week was difficult. I was hurting and I still am. I have trouble sleeping at night. I have anxiety. I struggle and this trial is my life's battle. So, if I can give a little advice to those who are reading. Be kind, For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
I know this wasn't the most positive post, but I hope we can truly learn to be kinder to everyone we meet. Thank you for reading this very honest post.
Love to you all.
Elle
