Be kind to everyone

Hello.  I know it's been awhile (a LONG while).  So much has happened!  I still have to post about the wedding and our first year of marriage and so many other things.  I promise I will....soon.  But first.  I've had something on my mind that I feel I need to write about.  I have no idea who will actually read this, but I tell ya, writing helps me, so here we go.

 

I have struggled with the relationship with my mom my entire life.  I think every daughter has some kind of difficulties with their mother...I'm pretty sure it was designed that way.  Now before I get into it I do have to say this:  I love my mom.  I really do.  I am who I am today because of her.  She taught me how to be independent, hard working and self sufficient.  I am not writing this to harp on her.  I know she did the best she could.  But...something with her has never been right.  I know she has her own set of issues in life.  I have never felt truly loved and accepted by my mom.  I have to constantly walk on eggshells around her and be constantly criticized.  Nothing I ever do is good enough.  No matter what I do or say, it's never enough.  She made comments about my weight as an adolescent, told me I would never be a professional dancer but yet had these unrealistic expectations about who I was supposed to be.  I would get yelled at constantly for the littlest things.  Her and my Dad would fight all the time.  I would cry in my bed by myself wishing that I could transport myself to another family where maybe I could be loved and accepted for exactly who I am (little imperfect me).  I tried SO hard in my life to please her.  But obviously it never worked.  As a teen I was very withdrawn.  I couldn't ever express myself because I was afraid of the wrath of my mother.  I couldn't ever stand up to her.  It was a never ending cycle.  I was always belittled and made to feel stupid and unworthy of anything.  She decided that the night before my wedding was the perfect time to tell me that I've completely let her down in so many ways.  When I moved out at 18 I had a LOT of soul searching to do.  I had to figure out who I was and what I was going to become.  I spent YEARS in therapy trying to undo the emotional damage caused by my mother.  Sadly I'm STILL trying to.  It's hard yo.  To my saving grace, I had the church.  I had amazing and wonderful friends.  I had teachers and professors and people that believed in ME!  They thought I was great and beautiful and they told me I could achieve any dream I set my mind to!  It was really hard for me to believe them (it still is), but I am trying.  I stayed close to the Lord and to people that loved and accepted me.  When I met my husband my life changed for the better.  He saw me for me and loved me for me.  His family embraced me...I have never felt so much love in my life before!  How lucky was I to find such a great family to now be apart of!  I am so thankful to the Lord for bringing Richard into my life.  "I have been changed, For Good"

 

Recent events have brought these feelings back into my thoughts.  Generally these blow ups are over stupid drama that I can never understand.  But the hard part is, it brings up 28 years of crud every time!  I am not sure how I will move forward or what the relationship is going to be with my mom, but I will try and be the best daughter God wants me to be.  That is all I can do.  I am extremely grateful for my wonderful Father and siblings as well as my extended family (Aunts and Uncles), without them, I wouldn't be the strong woman I am today! 

 

To be honest, this last week was difficult.  I was hurting and I still am.  I have trouble sleeping at night.  I have anxiety.  I struggle and this trial is my life's battle.  So, if I can give a little advice to those who are reading.  Be kind, For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

 

I know this wasn't the most positive post, but I hope we can truly learn to be kinder to everyone we meet.  Thank you for reading this very honest post. 

 

Love to you all.

 

Elle

The Proposal

Wow.  What a week it has been.  It almost felt like a dream until I realized that it was all REALLY happening!  I am excited beyond words and feel so incredibly blessed and humbled that Richard asked me to marry him!  

So let's back it up a little....

I had a feeling something was going to happen this week.  Just a feeling.  Richard seemed like he was hiding something...so I may or may not have snooped a little...but I didn't find anything. ;)  Well when we had been talking about what we were gonna do this week he requested that we do a picnic on the beach at some point.  So I put that into the plans.  Tuesday we packed a lunch, drove down to the Balboa Pier in Newport Beach and had a picnic!  I did not think anything was going to happen that day, a proposal was the last thing on my mind.  I knew he was waiting for some kind of "package"  so that threw me off a little!  Well we got there, laid down our blanket and then I laid down to soak in the sun.  I was only there for a few minutes before he asked me to close my eyes, then he gave me a little kiss.  I kept opening them and he kept telling me to keep them closed! Lol.  So then I did...I felt something being placed on my stomach and then he said open and I opened!  He was looking down on me and he asked "Will you marry me?"  I was so stunned!  The sun was shining so brightly that it seriously felt like a dream!  Of course I replied "YES"!  and then I sat up to see a BEAUTIFUL ring in a box and he takes my hand and puts the ring on.  I was seriously in so much shock, I kept saying Oh. My. Gosh!  I was so elated at the moment.  I really couldn't believe it was happening...to ME!!  It was such a beautiful moment that I will NEVER forget :).  Of course I couldn't wait to call and text everyone.  I still had to go into work that afternoon and teach 3 classes.  It was so fun to share with the office staff and other teachers the great news!  Even my students were excited for me.  I told my little 5 year olds that I was getting married and they said the funniest things like how their parents were married and what does Richard look like and do we want to have kids!  Love them.  Well, since Richard had asked my Dad's permission the day before, my parents already knew.  So we drove to their house that night and they had cake for us.  We celebrated with them and all my siblings and even played a friendly game of poker.  Anyone that knows my dear mother knows that of course she wanted to start planning that second and started shooting off a million questions.  Let's just say I was slightly overwhelmed.  But the great thing was we had the rest of the week to enjoy being together and start planning little by little.  Of course my mother has continued to call and text me every day, but bless her dear heart.  I know she is just excited.  But...this could be a LONG engagement! hehe.  My cute Aunt Bonnie started a board on pinterest for me.  I love all the support I've gotten thus far.  It means so much!  So...let the wedding planning begin!

In my life, I was really beginning to think this would never happen for me.  That I would never meet a wonderful guy who loved me for all the reasons I'd want to be loved.  (don't laugh cause its true, I really thought that!).  Being single all these years was awesome but at times it was hard.  I kept living my life and of course always wondering when it was going to happen for me?  It was hard at the young age of 20 to watch all your friends get married and you're not and then you start to think maybe something is wrong with you...BUT like I've said before.  Each of us has our OWN path in life.  Mine was just different and I feel so blessed for the path that the Lord set out for me.  I'd be lying if I said I always had faith and always knew I'd get married someday...it was difficult.  But of course as I look back now, I can be grateful for the experiences in my life that have shaped me into who I am today and give me the tools to become who the Lord wants me to become! I feel so blessed.

Richard Sims Harkey, I cannot wait to become your wife.  I love you with all my heart.  You are the most loving, caring, honorable, smart, humble, selfless, handsome, funny, honest, spiritual, respectful guy I've ever met.  I feel honored to be by your side for eternity.  :)

We will be sealed on August 25, 2012 in the LA Temple

xoxo

Ashley

I did not expect...

So I've been thinking about life the past few days.  How I got to where I am today.  How my life has turned out to be WAY different that I had planned.  I did not expect things in my life to turn out the way they did.  But, I am so happy that it did.  I am SO glad I finally submitted my will to the Lord's and let him direct my path.  I am sure he laughed many times when I tried to make plans.  

As a young woman in the church, marriage was talked about frequently.  We used to make lists of qualities we wanted in our future husbands, how many kids we were going to have and constantly heard stories from our leaders about how they fell in love.  I couldn't WAIT.  I was so excited to start dating!  But no one prepared us for DATING and how difficult it was going to be.  When I turned 16 and went on my first date, I remember coming home thinking...man that was overrated.  I went on a few dates here and there.  I crushed on boys who wouldn't give me the time of day.  Eventually I thought....this. is. lame.  

So, I stayed focus on dancing and my schooling and thought...psh guys, who needs them?  I even took a gay guy to my Senior Prom because no one asked me.  It was the best school dance ever!  Flash forward to college.  My first year at college was in Utah.  I thought FOR SURE I'd find a cute guy and finally get a boyfriend.  (I had seriously wanted one since I was 16...I look back now and think that it was a blessing in disguise that I didn't have one at such a young age).  Well I was 18....young and didn't know much.  I still had yet to find myself and really figure out who Ashley was.  I struggled in Utah.  I felt like I was just like everyone else and wasn't special or unique in any way.  I crushed on SO many guys.  None gave me the time of day.  It made me feel like I wasn't good enough.  I only went on one date in the 2 semesters I was there.  ONE DATE.  Totally depressing.  Good thing I had an awesome roommate and we just took ourselves out to dinner and movies :).  

Well 2 semesters was all I could handle of Utah (no offense anyone).  So I moved back home to good ol California.  Moved in with my Grandparents in Orange.  Went back to work at Disney.  Spent time with the gays.  They gave me all the confidence I could ever want.  Started going to the Single's ward and met a lot of new people.  I started get asked out a little more.  When I came back from Utah I stopped dancing for a bit.  I wasn't sure what I was doing with it and I felt like I needed to find within myself the reasons why I danced.  Well...lets just say when I stopped dancing I fluffed out a little bit.  So...I decided I needed to go back to school and start dancing again.  I was also at that time cast in my first parade at Disney.  I worked hard and my fluff came off :).  

Then...the dates started coming.  I have honestly been on SO many first dates I couldn't even begin to tell you who, when and where.  The struggle I was having was, the guys I was REALLY interested in, were not interested in me.  Then the guys that were REALLY interested in me, I was not interested in them.  That was the battle.  When I was 20, my bishop told me that I needed to be the kind of person I wanted to attract.  Of course I had this awesome list of the things I wanted in a guy.  The question I had to ask myself was....Was I REALLY trying to be that person also??  I did a self eval and really tried to focus on myself.  After all, that's all that I could control!  BUT, this bishop also told me I would have to choose between dance or marriage.  He said I couldn't have both.  I was slightly hurt by this.  I thought-so, should I just sit at home and knit sweaters?  Well, thankfully that is NOT what I did.  Instead, I kept dancing, loved every second of it and kept dating.  

It was hard.  Around this time ALL of my friends that I grew up with were getting married.  I was so confused.  They made it look so easy.  I then started to feel like I just wasn't good enough for marriage.  But I did not let that stop me from living my life.  I worked, went to school, danced and spent time with great friends.  I spent summers in NYC dancing, I traveled, I was an EFY counselor for 5 years, I graduated from college.  I did AMAZING things!  

Dating for me came in spurts.  It was like feast or famine. After a few years living in Orange, I made the move to Placentia.  This also meant moving wards.  I met a whole new group of people.  Met some guys that I had some real interest in.  Went on a good amount of dates.  But...nothing really went anywhere.  Of course during these years, I spent my summers working at EFY.  Met a lot of GREAT guys there.  Even dated a few.  Sadly, none of them worked out.  

So, I got kinda discouraged.  I was jealous of my married friends.  I even got a tad bitter.  I had choice words for the guys of Orange County.  I couldn't understand it.  I finally graduated from college.  Still single.  I had so much heartbreak and frustration, I kind of gave up.  I really was thinking it was never going to happen for me.  I lost hope.  I spent nights in my bed crying.  When I was in Temple prep class, I was surrounded by engaged couples.  So. Awkward.  I called my dad after the first class and said...I'm never going to get married!  He laughed.  Because he's known all along that I would someday.  

I was so done.  I tried online dating.  Went on one date.  Nuff said.  I then threw in the towel and started dating non-members.  Not my best idea.  Got my little heart hurt.  An EFY session director a few years back told me I just needed to have faith.  I wasn't really sure what he meant by that.  Faith seems like an easy concept to understand, but I think its actually very difficult.  Well I tried to apply Faith to dating.  I knew I needed to put everything in the Lord's hands and realize that he knew better than me.  He blessed me with trials and challenges in my life.  I would not be the person I am today unless I had the experiences that I did.  It was NOT what I expected.  

Well...I applied and got hired for my 5th year of EFY.  I had dated guys from EFY and nothing had worked out.  I was done dating younger guys.  Well in the months right before EFY, my amazing grandmother passed away.  We were very close and I definitely did not expect that.  I thought she would live to see the day when I finally got married.  Once she passed away, I kinda hid from the world.  I cried for months.  I lost weight.  I was sad.  Thankfully, I had to snap out of it pretty quickly as EFY was approaching and I was so excited.  I absolutely LOVE efy.  I couldn't wait to serve others and teach the gospel.  I wasn't even gonna think about guys.  My dad made a comment right before I left and he said, I think you are going to meet someone this year.  I laughed at him.  I said that I was going to be older than all the guys and that it was my 5th year and I was still single so it was just NOT possible.  

Well.  My dad was right.  After all these years of heartbreak, heartache, frustration, hopelessness, etc etc etc.  I met him.  I had been praying for months before this summer.  I met him and then couldn't go up and talk to him because I was too scared.  Thought he'd be like all the others and not be interested (I simply thought that because its always the ones I like that don't like me back).  So I watched from afar.  Smiled.  Did my job and maybe even purposely walked by his group just so I could get a look at him.  There was something different about him.  I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew I liked it.  Someone finally came and told me that he liked me.  I was shocked.  I didn't believe it.  Thought it was impossible.  I thought if it was true, that'd be a dream come true and those things just don't happen for Ashley!  So I continued to watch from afar (in a non creepy way).  Finally then mustered up the courage to talk to him.  My life changed at that moment.  I have never had something hit me so hard.  I knew at that moment that this was someone special.  And if I didn't give this my all and apply faith, I would miss out.  

And boy am I glad I gave it my all.  This guy is simply amazing.  He still ceases to amaze me!  I am so glad I took a chance and had faith in the unknown.  I prayed and prayed and prayed. I knew I had to make this work.  And we have made it work!  I am SO in love with the most wonderful guy.  His name is Richard.  I am so incredibly blessed that words cannot even describe it.  It has been a LONG journey.  (And I only gave you the cliff notes version).  

I did not expect ANY of this.  The greatest blessings come after difficult trials! (some of you might be laughing at the fact that being single was a trial...but trust me, at times it can be!) When I sat down and made my time line and plans.  I really had no idea what I was in for.  Thankfully, I threw in the towel and said: "Lord, I will do it your way".  I am grateful for all the years I was single.  I am grateful for the life experiences I've had thus far.  I have done some really awesome things and worked really hard.  I love that I KNOW who I am.  My future was only as bright as my faith.  Thank goodness for faith.  

I hope Grandma is smiling down on me.  :)

I love you Richard Harkey :)

Life as I know it

If someone would have told me a year ago, what my life would be like right now and what events would have happened along the way, I would not have believed them.  The future really IS as bright as your faith.  (Thank you President Monson!).  I was reading some old journal entries this morning and I realized how far I have come and how much my faith has increased.  I put a lot of trust in the Lord and he came through for me as he ALWAYS does.  It's strange when you have those "aha" moments and you realize that he was there ALL along.  I wouldn't be the person I am today unless I had the trials and challenges that came my way.  As I look back, I am incredibly grateful and truly humbled.  As I sit here typing, tears come to my eyes.  I feel like a special daughter of God that I always knew I was.  I feel so blessed.  

A few thoughts:

1.  I miss Grandma.  Everyday.  I think I have cried more this last year than I have in my whole life.  But the one thing that brings me peace is knowing I WILL see her again.  I can't wait for that day.  I hope she is looking down on me and is proud of me.

2.  My goal for 2012 is to do a show.  I am literally DYING to perform again.  I need to get out of my comfort and fear zone and just go for it.  I KNOW I can do this!

3.  I am SO in love!  So much that I just want to shout it from the rooftops!  I have been truly blessed with an amazing guy.  I am looking forward to the future and all that lies ahead!

How my life has changed!  But it has changed for the better and I am so grateful for the blessings that have come my way.  After the hardest trials come the greatest blessings.  Never give up and always always always have faith! :)

Much love
Ashley

Gratitude

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays.  Love the food, love spending time with my family, playing games etc.  But it is also a time to be grateful.  President Monson gave a talk a few conferences ago about having an attitude of gratitude.

I am grateful for:

The gospel
Jesus Christ my Savior
My family
My jobs
Wonderful roommates
Amazing friends
A healthy body
Dance
The Temple
A loving Father in Heaven
and this year I am especially grateful for Richard, the amazing guy in my life.  He is truly the best :)

I hope that we all can remember what this Season is all about and always have an Attitude of Gratitude.

xoxo
Ashley

This Thanksgiving....

This year's Thanksgiving will not be the same without this lady...

My dear, sweet, beautiful Grandma.  She was always the life of the party.  She will be greatly missed this year.  This time last year I was making apple pies with her.  Just me and Grandma.  That is a memory I will never forget.  We love you so much Grandma and we'll be thinking of you.

xoxo
Ashley

What's been going on...

Well, I feel like it has been awhile since an update.  I feel however like I have nothing insightful, funny or interesting to say...but I feel like just updating for whoever reads this :)

Things in my life are grand.  Just peachy.  The Lord is truly blessing me which I am incredibly grateful for.  As I ponder upon the fact that we are in NOVEMBER (how the heck did that happen?)...I realize that 2011 has been a really tough year.  But after facing some hard trials, I came out a better person in the end.  So as I put the past behind me I can finally start to look toward the future with hope and optimism.  And let me tell you, it's looking pretty good! ;)  So in the end, I am grateful for my trials, challenges and struggles.  The Lord DOES keep his promises and I believe he truly does comfort us during our time of need.  I have definitely felt his strength and comfort during my time.  I am still struggling with the passing of my Grandma.  I don't know why, but lately it has been really hard.  I find myself thinking about her and then crying out of no where.  I hate it because I don't want to be this hot mess anymore.  I am happy with my life and I know she is in a better place.  But I just have these moments where I miss her.  I'm tired of the tears.  Thankfully I have people in my life that allow me to reach out to them when I need to (even though that is hard for me to do).  It is comforting to know that they are there.  I hope one day I can truly find peace and not be sad anymore.  I know I'll see her again.  I know she is looking down on me and I hope to make her proud.  She was one special lady and meant so much to me.  I love her with all my heart.  The holiday's won't be the same with out her.  But I know she will be watching over us :)

So after all my fun adventures this summer, I've pretty much been working. A LOT.  Work is great.  Teaching is going well and I love my students.  Disney is awesome.  So I'm pretty much a busy busy busy bee.  Which is the story of my life!  I'm trying to figure out what the next step is in my life...So that has been on my mind a lot.  

Lastly, what has been making my life sweeter these days is I have a fella :).  He truly makes me want to be a better person and my life is better because he is in it!  

I am feeling so blessed :)

More exciting things to come!

xoxo

Ashley